How to Handle Family Drama During the Holidays (Without Losing Your Peace)

For many of us, the holidays bring mixed feelings: a little joy, a little stress, and a lot of emotional whiplash. If you’re part of a family of color, those feelings may be even more complicated. Underneath the twinkly lights and family recipes can live some heavy dynamics that include unspoken tension, generational expectations, and pressure to “just keep the peace.”

If you’re already dreading the group text, prepping your comebacks for your auntie’s unsolicited comments, or wondering how to protect your mental health at the dinner table, then you’re not alone. This time of year can bring out the best and worst in our families.

Let’s talk about what family drama during the holidays really looks like — and how to navigate it without betraying your boundaries or your identity.

What Are Family Drama Examples?

Family drama doesn’t always look like a soap opera. In reality, it can be way more subtle and emotionally taxing. Here are some common examples of family drama during the holidays:

• Backhanded comments about your appearance, job, relationship status, or parenting
• Unspoken tensions that everyone pretends don’t exist
• Cultural guilt that surfaces when you don’t want to attend every event or follow tradition
• Financial pressure to participate in gift exchanges or travel
• Being “voluntold” to help or host  without your input
• Dismissive reactions to boundaries, therapy, or mental health topics
• Political arguments or invalidation of your lived experiences (especially for LGBTQ+, multiracial, and first-gen folks)

For People of Color, these experiences can be even more layered. There may be expectations to show up no matter what, to respect elders even when you’re disrespected, and to carry emotional weight in silence.

Why Does My Family Always Fight on Holidays?

Holidays have a way of turning up the emotional heat. People are out of routine, expectations are high, and unresolved issues often bubble up when everyone’s under one roof.

Here’s why family drama during the holidays can feel especially intense:

• Unmet expectations: Everyone has a different idea of what the holiday should look like. When reality doesn’t match, disappointment turns into conflict.
• Nostalgia and grief: The holidays often bring up memories of loved ones lost, difficult childhoods, or past trauma.
• Limited emotional tools: Many families struggle to communicate feelings in healthy ways. Emotional needs may be dismissed, misunderstood, or weaponized.
• Pressure to perform: You may feel like you have to “act happy,” show up perfectly, or prove yourself even when you’re struggling.

It’s not just about who forgot the sweet potatoes. It’s about old wounds, power dynamics, and cultural norms that leave no room for individual needs.

How Do You Deal With a Dysfunctional Family During Holidays?

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer. You do have options, which do not include abandoning yourself in the name of family or “keeping the peace”..

Here’s how to protect your peace when family dynamics get messy:

1. Name Your Needs Before the Visit

Get clear on what you need emotionally before the gathering. Do you need a buddy system? A time limit? A “code word” with your partner to signal it’s time to go? Make a plan that honors your capacity.

2. Set Boundaries Early and Kindly

Boundaries are not punishments. Boundaries provide clarity and a guide for healthy relationhips. You can say:

• “I’m not comfortable talking about that.”
• “I love y’all, but I’ll be leaving at 8.”
• “Please don’t comment on my body or relationship.”

If you’re nervous, rehearse in advance or write them down.

3. Take Breaks Without Guilt

You’re allowed to step outside, take a walk, or sit in silence for a bit. Recharging is not rude. It’s regulation.

4. Don’t Argue With People Committed to Misunderstanding You

Not every comment needs a response. If someone is looking to bait you into a debate, you’re allowed to disengage. Silence is also a boundary.

5. Bring a Support System (Even If They’re Virtual)

Check in with your therapist or a friend before and after the event. A quick voice note, text, or deep breath with someone who gets it can go a long way.

How to Avoid Family Drama This Holiday Season

Avoiding every ounce of drama may not be possible, but you can reduce the harm. Here’s how to make space for joy without sacrificing your well-being:

Redefine “Family”

Biological family isn’t the only kind of family. Chosen family matters. If being with your relatives is too painful, you can create your own holiday traditions with people who honor your full self.

Release the Guilt

You’re not a bad child, sibling, or cousin for needing space. Cultural guilt runs deep, especially in families where caregiving and self-sacrifice are the norm. But boundaries don’t mean you love less — they mean you’re creating space to love honestly.

Make Room for Grief and Joy

It’s okay to laugh and cry in the same hour. The holidays can hold both. You don’t have to pick a single emotion.

Start New Traditions

You’re allowed to do things differently. Whether it’s volunteering, taking a solo trip, or ordering takeout instead of cooking for 20 people, your joy is important too.

You Don’t Have to Keep Playing the Same Role

If you’re the peacemaker, the fixer, the one who “just takes it,” or the eldest daughter who keeps the whole operation running, this is your reminder:

You don’t have to keep reenacting the same script.

You can say no. You can take a breath. You can choose yourself. You can ask for help.

And yes, it’s hard. Especially when your culture says family comes first, even when it hurts. But that’s why support matters to help you hold the complexity of love, boundaries, and identity.

Ready to Take Care of You This Season?

At Melanated Women’s Health we know the holidays can be emotionally overwhelming, especially for people of color navigating generational trauma, cultural guilt, and boundary-setting in families that never modeled it.

Therapy can give you a safe space to:

• Build confidence in your boundaries
• Rehearse what you want to say
• Untangle internalized guilt
• Process old wounds that resurface this time of year
• Create new definitions of love, care, and community

You don’t have to go into another holiday season bracing yourself for emotional impact. Support is available.

If you need help navigating family drama during the holidays, book a session with a therapist at Melanated Women’s Health.

Let this be the year you show up for yourself without apology. Get started today.